


Waves that ebb and flow

by robliz



Category: Holby City
Genre: Elinor is dead, F/F, Pregnancy, Serena is grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robliz/pseuds/robliz
Summary: Serena is caught up in her grief for Elinor when she receives the unexpected news that she is pregnant.I don't really know where this came from or whether I will continue it at all but the idea got stuck in my brain and I had to write it. I would say enjoy but it isn't exactly a happy story.





	Waves that ebb and flow

She woke up in an ambulance, had just enough awareness to ask to go to St James’, before the blackness arrived again.

The second time she woke it was in a hospital, on a blissfully unfamiliar ward. She hadn’t wanted to end up at Holby, to have her colleagues fawning over her, checking up on her. To see Bernie’s face when she was brought in. So, she was grateful to the paramedics who had listened to her slurred pleas and brought her into St James’.

A doctor, young and keen, came over to her bed.

“Can you tell me what happened?” he asked, as though he didn’t already know, as though he cared.

“Must have fainted,” she replied. Not that she cared. She rolled over and looked at the curtains surrounding the cubicle. They were yellow with a floral pattern on them. So different from the familiar Holby ones. Almost pretty. She wondered if she should authorise the purchase of new curtains for AAU.

“Ms Campbell?”

She rolled back and looked at the doctor, raised her eyebrows at him.

“We’ve taken some bloods and run tests on them. When they get back we might have more of an idea about what was wrong with you,” he explained, as though she was an idiot. She knew how hospitals worked, would know how they worked even if she wasn’t a doctor herself. Said nothing, unwilling to reveal herself, enjoying being an unknown quantity.

“Do you want us to contact anyone for you? I noticed your daughter is down as your next of kin, would you like us to call her?”

“No,” she said, forcefully, glaring at him although he would have no clue what he had done wrong. She didn’t care. But there was no point in him calling Elinor. None whatsoever. It wasn’t like the dead picked up their phones.

The doctor backed away from her bed. “Ok,” he placated, “Ok. But if you want us to call her or anyone else, just let one of the nurses know.”

He walked away without a glance backwards, heading over to one of the other cubicles. Serena leant her head back against the pillows. Bernie would want her to call her, to let her know. But she didn’t want to, not yet. Didn’t want to cause her any more worry. Would ring once she knew what was wrong with her. Probably turn out to be nothing, just grief causing weird reactions in her body, it wouldn’t be the first time.

She closed her eyes and thought about Elinor, imagined her here, at the side of the bed, moaning about how long everything was taking and telling everyone around about how her mother was a very important surgeon and so they needed to fix her up as soon as possible. Imagined Bernie sat silently watching proceedings, nodding along when Elinor wanted backup. Imagined Jason befriending all the old women on the ward.

Her eyes shot open at that. Jason. She was supposed to be making him dinner tonight. Supposed to be trying to make up for how she had been treating him recently. That’s why she had been out shopping, that was until she wasn’t shopping anymore but collapsed on the floor with an ambulance heading her way.

She had to make sure Jason would be alright tonight. Bernie would look after him, like always. Or Alan maybe. Save Bernie having to know anything right now.

She looked around for her handbag. Nowhere in sight. The floor next to her bed was clear, the cupboard empty. Her coat was thrown over the end of the bed but no bag. She resorted to asking a passing nurse who soon retrieved it from the safe.

“Didn’t want it just lying around while you were passed out,” the nurse said. Serena nodded, refused to return the nurse’s smile, refused to make eye contact. She dug in her bag and pulled out her phone, sending a quick message to Alan, asking him to pick up Jason from work and have him over to stay that night. Jason wouldn’t much like it, what with a change of plans at the last moment, but there was nothing she could do about it. He would just have to cope. Her fingers hovered over Bernie’s name in her address book, debating whether to call her yet, before switching off the screen and putting her phone back in the bag.

She let her eyes fall closed again and returned to her daydream about Elinor. For a few brief seconds, she was able to believe that it was real, before reality came crashing down on her again, causing tears to prick up behind her eye lids. She wiped them away rapidly. She wasn’t going to cry here, wasn’t going to be that patient, the one that gets all emotional and spills their life story to any passing member of staff.

The young doctor reappeared. Serena was pretty certain he told her his name at one point but she wasn’t listening so she had no idea now. He held her blood results in his hand. Part of her wanted to snatch them off him, knowing that she would be able to read them much better than he could, but that part that is trying to hide her identity won out and her hands stayed by her side.

“I’ve got your bloods back Ms Campbell,” he said. She stared at him, allowing herself no response.

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked. She continued to stare at him but her mind was working. She knew she skipped breakfast this morning, couldn’t bear to sit at the kitchen table with Jason and eat toast like a normal person. She’d planned to eat lunch in town but hadn’t bothered in the end. The cafes were all full of people enjoying themselves. Had she eaten last night? She wasn’t sure. Sometimes Bernie came around and cooked for her and Jason but she hadn’t last night. She couldn’t remember whether she had eaten or whether she’d just made a plate of food up for Jason and picked up a wine bottle instead.

The young doctor seemed to take her silence as an answer. “Your blood sugar is very low, Ms Campbell. It is important that you eat regularly, particularly with the extra pressure your body is currently under.”

She looked up at him, eyebrow quirked. “Extra pressure?” she queried, hoping against hope that he hadn’t somehow found out about Elinor.

“I mean with the baby,” he clarified. Serena’s mind went blank. She couldn’t make sense of what she was hearing.

“Baby?”

“Yes. You’re pregnant. Did you not know?”

Serena’s mouth opened and a howl of despair was let lose. She rolled over onto her stomach and pressed her face into the pillow, screaming. She kicked her legs and beat her arms against the mattress, screaming and screaming without pause. The noise attracted the attention of the consultant on duty who questioned the junior doctor.

“I’m sorry, I assumed she knew she was pregnant,” he tried to explain to his irate boss, “I mean I thought it must be planned, must be IVF or something. No one gets pregnant by accident over the age of 50.”

Serena tried to block him out, tried to block everything out. Screamed louder so she didn’t have to hear him anymore. The tears she had been holding back earlier ran down her face in rivers. How could this be happening? This was a nightmare. Surely, she’d wake up in a moment to see Elinor standing over her and they’d laugh at what a ridiculous dream Serena had just had.

Exhaustion eventually overtook her and she slumped down onto the bed, quietening instantly. Turning her head, she found that the young doctor had vanished, replaced by the consultant who was sitting on the chair next to her bed.

“Fiona Green, clinical lead,” she said, sticking out her hand towards Serena. She took it reluctantly. “You’re a consultant over at Holby City, aren’t you?”

Serena nodded numbly.

“I take it this has come as a bit of a shock.”

“Bit of an understatement,” Serena muttered, her eyelids feeling rather heavy now, the emotions of the day taking their toll on her.

“I’m going to send you up to Obs and Gynae,” Fiona said, “But I’d really like someone to be with you. I think you need to have someone to hold your hand. I’ve been told you’ve refused to let us contact your next of kin but is there anyone else we can ask?”

Serena was too tired to fight anymore. There was only one person she wanted by her side at this moment. “Bernie Wolfe,” she said, “She’s on AAU at Holby City.”

Fiona smiled at her kindly, “I’ll get right on that.”

Serena allowed her eyes to close as she watched Fiona walk towards the nurse’s station. In mere moments, she was fast asleep, her body taking what rest she would allow it.

She woke to Bernie’s fingers gently pushing her hair back from her forehead. She smiled at the contact, more than they’d had in days, weeks even, before she remembered why she was here.

“Bernie,” she croaked, her throat sore from her earlier screaming.

“Hey, hey, don’t try to talk if it hurts,” Bernie said. She helped Serena into a sitting position on the bed before reaching over to the side table and passing Serena the glass of water that sat there.

The water helped sooth her throat and Bernie’s hand in hers helped sooth her mind, even if only slightly.

“Would you tell me what happened?” Bernie asked, her eyes sad, “They would only tell me that you’d been brought in, no details because I’m not family.”

She opened her mouth but said nothing. What was she supposed to say? Nothing made any sense.

She was saved from having to answer by Fiona coming back with a porter.

“Thomas here is going to take you up to Obs and Gynae now, okay?”

Serena nodded. Bernie looked even more confused but she held out her arms to help Serena into the wheelchair. Fiona handed her a chocolate bar.

“Eat this. And good luck Serena, whatever happens.”

Serena nodded again and opened up the chocolate bar, nibbling on it. Bernie wasn’t speaking but she was asking all her questions with her eyes. Serena couldn’t answer her, not yet, but she grabbed her hand as Bernie walked alongside the wheelchair. She felt the sugar hitting her bloodstream, making her brain less foggy.

“Serena?” Bernie asked once they were safely in the lift, the porter staying tactically silent.

Serena looked up at her.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Bernie whispered, squeezing Serena’s hand, “But if you need to…”

Bernie trailed off. Serena took a deep breath. She knew she couldn’t hide it any longer. As soon as she spoke to the next consultant, everything would become obvious.

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out. Bernie’s face was the picture of shock, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open.

“I fainted in town, low blood sugar apparently.” She waved the half-eaten chocolate bar in explanation. “When they ran my bloods they discovered, well, you know.”

The lift pinged, announcing their arrival on the fourth floor, and the doors opened. Thomas wheeled Serena out but Bernie stood still, frozen in the lift.

“Bernie?” Serena called, “Bernie please come with me.”

Almost on autopilot, Bernie followed Serena and Thomas down the corridor. Thomas parked Serena’s wheelchair in the waiting room and Bernie flopped onto the seat next to her. Serena reached over and held her hand again. There was something reassuring about having to comfort Bernie rather than thinking about her own pain. She squeezed Bernie’s hand and Bernie gradually lifted her head to meet her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Bernie asked in a tiny voice. Serena smiled. That was her Bernie back, the one that dismissed any feelings she had in order to ensure that the people around her are happy.

“Honestly? No.”

The shock of the situation had died down. She no longer felt the urge to scream but her mind was now working through the possibilities and issues. And the key one, forefront in her mind, was that she didn’t want a baby to replace Ellie.

“Oh Bernie, what on earth am I going to do?”

 


End file.
